But this very moment, my heart is broken. I believe my cat Worf was just killed by an animal outside, and I am worried that not only is he dead, but I fear he died alone and scared. And I'm alone in the house right now, being the only one awake, and there is nothing I can do.
Maybe this will spawn some more writing. Everything for a reason, right?
I miss you and love you, Worf. Please be on the front steps tomorrow. One way or another, please. At least come home. :(
Resurrection is a terrible rip-off of the movie. Scene for scene.
I shall keep Kevin apprised. I wonder what's going to happen?
For really reals, though. So it won't be done for a loooong time.
Also, I am rather hungry. What to do?
Who moved back in with his folks by choice?
And finally, who has to take a shit right now?
Answer to all of the above:
Today Apple sent a press release announcing that they’ve filed a lawsuit against HTC for infringing 20 of Apple’s patents related to iPhone interface and the underlying architecture and hardware. The lawsuit was filed with U.S. International Trade Commission (ITC) and in U.S. District Court in Delaware.
“We can sit by and watch competitors steal our patented inventions, or we can do something about it. We’ve decided to do something about it,” said Steve Jobs, Apple’s CEO. “We think competition is healthy, but competitors should create their own original technology, not steal ours.”
Apple is specifically going after HTC’s phones that are running Google’s Android software rather than the phones that are running Windows Mobile. By suing HTC for using Android’s operating system, is Apple trying to scare other manufacturers from using Google’s Android operating systems on their future devices? This is what it looks like to me. Going through the boring list of patents Apple listed in their complaint, I noticed that one of the patents they complained about was the “Swipe to unlock” feature. I find it ridiculous that a company can patent these types of simple features, and hope that Apple looses this case. If you are bored you can see a list of all the patents here.
I'm glad I don't have to justify liking Apple products. I have long since turned my back on my iPhone and am anxiously awaiting my contract to be up so I can get my Droid. I don't own a mac, and I don't think I ever will. Apple is not a nice company, and the only thing I like less than the company are the blind fanboys who think anything they manage to squeeze out of their ass is made of gold plated unicorn giggles. MacOS is not BETTER. It is different. Just like Linux or DOS. It's a matter of preference.
And I prefer not to support a company who tries to sue another company for, among other things, using the same "slide to Unlock" feature that their phone uses. Especially when you've already made it clear that nobody else can use multi-touch. But oh, wait, that's not even yours to patent, guys. Good job. Call me when you actually create something useful that isn't a re-has of the iPod. Hell, I want something that isn't called iProduct, and doesn't require that I give my money, soul, and firstborn to your company to allow me to do anything because of your proprietary bullshit.
In other news, I did, in fact, switch to Linux. Kubuntu, to be precise. I have to say, open-source is quite possibly one of the most glorious things ever. Yeah, there are a few things that need some work, but that's the way it will always be with something that is produced by a community rather than a company. However, I have to say, the amount of polish on this OS is more than I was expecting, and I'm rather pleased with the sheer number of options I have at my disposal. Multiple desktops make me smile.
Beyond that, I actually don't have much to report. I've been feeling the need to post for a while, and this is what came out. Meh. Better than my usual whining. I guess smoking the way I have been has helped keep me real mellow in a lot more ways than I would have expected.
Well, off to find something to munch on, and then something to do until I finally do decide to fall asleep.
Many things have happened, but I'm not even really sure of where to begin. I'm not even sure I have the words to explain it all the way it ought to be explained.
I suppose the thing most worth mentioning is my adventure in Chicago.
I went out there to visit Joey. Well, I was supposed to visit him out there. Instead, I simply stayed at his apartment out there while he was stuck here in New York. I had a very good time despite that setback of sorts while Joey planned things out from here.
And when I say from here, I mean more or less from literally where I sit. Joey had some issues with his father and ended up staying a couple weeks at my parents' house while I was in his place in Chicago. The amusement this provided me was considerable.
Upon my return from Chicago, I was greeted by Kevin, Jacqueline, Joey, and Joey's testicles. I'm sure the video will find its way to youtube at some point in the near future, so that can be explained with a demonstration. Don't worry, the video is plenty safe for youtube and work, even if my memory most certainly is not.
On top of the greeting and change in living situation for Joey, I came back home to Teresa having broken up with her boyfriend for reasons I have yet to hear - and honestly doubt I'll hear - and seeing a new guy named Thomas. Tom is a really cool guy, and he met my parents sometime while I was in ChiTown. He's also stayed the night at my place - with Teresa, of course - several times since then. He and Teresa seem rather inseparable, actually. There's no problem with this for me, for two reasons. First, he's quite a wit, and manages to always keep things interesting around me. Second, I think he's a good balancing force for Teresa. Something she really needs, and is loathe to hear from me in any way. I never get to mention it to her, but our living situation is rather stressful at times. The friendship is quite different from what it was, and the strain is apparent. Despite that, though, we simply work around the stress and just go about our lives. Things are as friendly and comfortable as we can make them, though I think the situation will have to change within the next year for the both of us to maintain our sanity.
And finally, comes a small story.
Before my Chicago adventure, I got in touch with Jenaya. That was wonderful, as we've both gone through some important changes since our last encounter, and she is going to be the friend I expected to have in Nicole. Nicole is going through her own issues, and I understand that quite well. And her new boyfriend... He's an awesome guy. And I like him a lot. But I also know that she is simply dealing with her life, and I'm not really part of it anymore. Which is fine. But the fact that he made her get in touch with me is what really made me like him. He's looking out for her, and I can ask nothing better of anyone regarding somebody I love.
But back to the story. Jenaya and I had a brief conversation, and we agreed we had to have conversation.
Well a couple nights ago, I called her on my way home from work. We had a brief, fun conversation, and she had to go play some poker. But she promised to call me either later in the night, or the following day. Well it turned out to be later on in the night, as I was in the car with my father, sister, and Joey. She proceeded to tell me a story that I can by no means repeat here for various reasons. Suffice it to say, any story I've got can not compare to what she has had to deal with since she and I last spoke. The challenges and issues she's been forced to deal with are not something ANYBODY should be made to deal with, much less somebody as sweet and intelligent and caring as her.
However, as she related the story, it was almost as though she were telling a story about a friend of hers. Not that she's disassociated, but rather that she's simply come to terms with what's happened to her and dealt with it - or is in the process of dealing with it - very rationally and appropriately. I was horrified by some of the things I heard, but she is quite well now, and that's what's important. As I began to relate my story to her, I joined Joey and my father in the back yard to partake of some 'sweet tobacco,' and then went up front to continue my tale. Being high, telling my story - which started with Deirdre and ended with Melanie for reasons I will explain in a moment - was quite interesting. It was like actually living in those moments again, as the full weight of all my emotions came rushing back to me with my words. It was in the middle of the Melanie breakup that I got crazy dry mouth. So I put my story on pause for a moment to get myself some water.
As I entered the kitchen, I see Joe sitting down, and my father coming in from the back yard. He gave me a look that seemed to say to me, "Well..?" I gestured to the phone and looked at him as if to say, "I'll be done shortly. Just give me a few more minutes."
Its at this point that my father starts making a most interesting and scary sound. It was somewhere between a wheeze and a growl. I looked at him oddly, and that's when he clutched at his chest. This also happened to be the exact moment the high REALLY hit me.
I stared for what seemed like an eternity, then everything finally registered in my active brain.
"Shit." I hung up the phone, and dialed 911.
I don't know if anybody has ever been high for a terrifying moment. Those moments are bizarre enough on their own. It's hard enough to stay rational when you're totally sober. When you're altered - or at least when I am , apparently - a very interesting thing happens. My conscious brain was reduced to a lump of babbling mush. In the middle of the call, my father collapses to his knees. My thought process consisted of nonsense and swearing. And yet somehow, as the woman on the other end is asking me for information, I'm managing to give out my parents' address, my cell phone number - which I have a hard time remembering as it is - and my father's age.
Suddenly, there's a gasp from my father, and he's gesturing at me as if I should just hang up the phone and not worry about it. He waves me off as I put my hand on his shoulder, and checks his pulse. I tell the woman to hold on a moment, and she frantically (or as frantic as 911 operators ever get) tries to keep me talking on the line. My father gives me a weak but definitely amused grin and says, "I was choking on water."
As I write it, I can't help but laugh. Of course, at that moment, I was barely keeping my composure, and as I try to tell the woman he looks okay, she tells me the ambulance is on the way. When my father offers to talk to her, she declines by telling me EMS will be there shortly. She then hangs up the phone.
Long story short, high as I was, I managed to talk to both the fire department and the ambulance driver and let them know it was simply a misunderstanding. My father came out as well and showed them he was quite alright, then went back in the house. I remembered I was still in my scrubs, and showed the ambulance driver, who eyed me up and down and asked if he was going to be fine. I laughed and told him yes, I just panicked. He grinned at me and drove off.
I called Jenaya back and told her what had just happened. She apparently hadn't heard anything but me say "Shit," and wasn't really sure what the hell was going on, or if she should call back. As I went to recollect my thoughts to finish my story, she told me to save it for the next day, as she had to be up early. But we parted with a mutual expression of platonic love, and things are quite good.
And that, LiveJournal, is my story, and I'm stickin' to it.
If I come up with more to write...
Well, I guess we all know the drill by now.
--Alan Glynn, The Dark Fields
I felt the need to write this down because I genuinely FEEL this quote. I feel it in that sense - and this will be nonsense to all but a very select few of you - that my father felt the story he wrote of his old self talking to his young self.
In a nutshell, "What you think it is, boy? It ain't. It's totally different. But not even how you think when you think 'different.' How do I know? Because I was you. And am, to an extent. But just trust me when I tell you that you've got shit backwards, inside-out, and flipped on it's ear. But don't worry; you'll be me and you'll get it all one day."
Bear in mind two things with that quote. Number one, my father wrote that in his twenties. Clearly, as I am now in my twenties, those days are gone. But you can see how prophetic they can be. Number two - and this is where the first quote I put up comes in to play - I do believe he still feels like he's, on some level, still that twenty-something. Still with a whole world of shit he "just don't know yet."
And that's where I feel I am. My father put it rather eloquently, and earlier - both in time (obviously) and age than I either fully recognized it or could truly appreciate it. Now, though, on the... I can't even say cusp or brink, because while I am still cusping, one might say, I'm definitely beginning to fit more and more in to the category of FULL adult-hood. (I have political and social opinions that DON'T come from my parents? What?!)
This is touching on deeper issues that I've had rattling in my brain with no real outlet for - until I remembered I have a livejournal - and also don't particularly feel like getting in to now with such a fascinating book sitting next to me, open to the middle of a chapter with my eyes glancing to the middle of the page where I left off.
With that, Livejournal, I will bid you adieu for the next indeterminate time, though I am sure that something else in this book will prompt me to wrote again. As well, for those oh-so-few of you who do still read this, any books you are willing to suggest to me that are in the realm of authors such as Asimov, Vonnegut, or Stross, by all means, suggest away. I will be MORE than happy to take you up on your suggestions.
What the ARE doing is forcing existing companies to provide everybody with an equal OPPORTUNITY for healthcare. And if you cannot afford healthcare from the major companies, there will be a government regulated pool of doctors. This regulation extends only to how much they can charge you for their services. The government - regarding this healthcare plan, anyway - does not seek to line it's own pockets or play big brother.
Now, granted, I have not read the fine print on this as there's none available. And the fact that the bill is not available for congress to read yet is a little disturbing to me. However, I'm not willing to put my name on the petition to be flagged on some government list. What have I got to hide? Well nothihng, except for maybe a poor credit score. However in the case of a social healthcare reform, I think people need to stop listening to the word social and thinking "Fascist!" and instead do a little bit of reading, a little bit of thinking, and a lot of shutting up.
As a healthcare worker, I can assure you that having everybody covered by a group of federally regulated companies and individuals will only benefit everybody. Equal healthcare will be provided to all, and since everybody will actually be getting PAID for their services this way, care will only improve. Healthy people are happy people. For the most part.
Don't believe me? Take a look at the plan as outlined by the government in layman's terms: http://www.healthreform.gov/
Oh, and one more thing...
One of this president's first acts in office was to officially re-instate the First Amendment - that is, your freedom of speech. The freedom of speech which was taken away by Dubya and his Patriot Act, and was further whittled away by subsequent acts which were "for our own good."
All our former president made me think was of a quote from a certain movie franchise of which I am rather fond; "So this is how liberty dies... With thunderous applause."
I welcome the change Obama is bringing to our nation. It's reverting back to something our founding fathers would at least begin to recognize and appreciate.
Granted, he's got a lot of issues to deal with and a lot of places he could go very, very wrong, but based on the policies he has set forth thus far - that I am aware of, anyway - I can find little fault with him, and can say that, with my limited knowledge of politics, I support him as leader of our country.
Thus ends my political rant.
So I'm doing so.
Now I REALLY need one.
An explanation or revision will come an indeterminate time later.
So this week I leave the nest. I'm movin' in with Teresa, and I'm fairly excited about it. Though I think she is way more excited than I am. Hehe.
Contemplating a house warming party, but I'll have to clear that with Teresa first. Either way, I'll keep everybody updated. :)
Well I think I just found out how wrong I am about agreeing to that statement.
Now, he's not YET better, but just watch this six year old faithfully reproduce an entire Dream Theater song. And if you have any doubts about how faithful it is, you can look up the real song and listen to that. The rest of the band is actually pretty terrible, but this kid is awesome.
The song is called Endless Sacrifice. And this kid is gifted.
Also, I loves me my Kayla and there's nothing anybody can do about it. <3
A song came on that was quieter than I expected. I didn't recognize it until I heard the Imperial March for a moment.
I was able to hum along to it, but I realized I couldn't place it. Then I got flashes of being on Hoth in Shadows of the Empire. Then the images in my brain shifted to fighting an AT-ST. I checked the title, then watched the entire scene in the movie in my head, while humming along and still somehow managing to play Shadows of the Empire.
Then I realized just how much of a geek that makes me. I am so glad for two things right now. A) I already have a girlfriend. B) She'll hear of this, and only smile and likely say something about Star Trek being better.
In other news, Texts From Last Night is a genius website (Hence the subject of this post), and it has been making me chuckle for hours. At the same time, it makes me fear for the future in the worst way.
I need something new to read.
I also miss my lady something fierce.
See you 'round, LJ.
Billy Mays, here!
I know I do it often, but I really am going to follow through this time.
I'm happier than I've ever been thanks to one incredible lady. However, between the hour and the touchscreen keyboard, I'm going to hold off on the real post until later in the day.
Why post at all right now, then? Because I just have to say something about her before I go to sleep. I am ligetimately that excited/happy because of this girl.
So upon waking, I shall elaborate on the story here. For all to see.
Until then, LiveJournal, I bid thee adieu.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.EDIT: No, I didn't forget. I just haven't got to it, yet.
Spring has sprung, and along with the flower blooming and the days lengthening, my desire to curl in to a ball and disappear grows.
Fortunately, I've found an escape or two? Unfortunately, I've already exhausted one of them. We'll see about the other(s?).
In some (see:most) cases, I kinda kick myself for either being an emo bitch, or simply not clarifying things.
However, in other cases, I astound myself with my choice of words or just how early on I realized certain things. I mean, my sense of time is terrible, so even though I've known something for, say, two years? I feel like I had that revelation last week or something.
Or even better, I had an idea/thought/what-have-you, then forgot about it the next week or so due to some stupid shit getting in the way.
As far as an update goes, life continues to boggle my mind. Friends - new and old - pop up all over the place and surprise the hell out of me in a few ways. Family does the same, and I'm reminded time and time again of things I've said to myself in the past. And that's probably why I was inclined to look back at my journal just now, despite having to be up for work in a few hours.
It's time to really grow up. For serious. What I mean by that, specifically, I'll have to get back to you on, but I think I have an idea for reminding myself about that one.
Y'know, I'm too tired to honestly finish this post. Trying to be cryptic and not kick myself for it later, and failing miserably. Here's one; who've I known forever? Okay, now make them local and perceptive. If that doesn't explain it, then I'm fucked. Yes, that was all for my benefit. If you got it, then you either are that person, or you know my life story way better than I expected.
I do hope it all works out, though.
My revelation was more of the latter sort.
I've said in a previous post how I feel about the different kinds of love, and the mindset in which I made that post was what is very typical of my posts - sad, depressed, wanting, alone... And while some of these things haven't really changed, they're currently for very different reasons, and with a different outlook on things. If you read back a couple of posts, you'll see a bit of what my current mindset is, and why it's far more understandable than is typical with me.
The revelation, though, is this: While I was right about the different kinds of love, (mainly, love for family, love for friends, love for a partner, etc.,) I was very wrong about how to feel them. That is to say, I had the right idea, but the wrong... explication, I suppose you could say. Where previously I was very selective with who and how I used the word love with and for, now I understand that it is fully possible - and in many ways very necessary - to love everybody you come across. A side note here, is that when I say love I mean love fully, with all that you are. The only real way to love, after all, is with your entire being.
As I stated in the beginning of this post, the revelation came as a slow dawning of awareness. I gradually came to know and understand all of this over the course of 2008, and it wasn't until the very first handful of days in this New Year (which, for the first time ever for me genuinely FEELS like a New Year) that I fully recognized the change that had come over me. The final moment that made me aware of this was actually an odd situation - which I cannot go in to full detail here - involving Nicole and her current situation. Now, my history with Nicole is what it is, and because of it, I have had a hard time dealing with her in the past, and therefore, she has had a difficult time dealing with me. And so when I initiated contact, she was nervous at first, but then found just how genuine I was in both my care for her in a strictly platonic way, and in how concerned for her current emotional state I was. And for it I am glad.
I can now honestly tell her I love her and not feel the tug on my heart-strings anymore. I can embrace her and not have to hold back emotions for fear of not wanting to let go.
For another example, there's Joey. He's had his recent goings on, and while they're not exactly the best for his mental state in the immediate sense, I truly believe they've changed him for the better. And he agrees with me on it. And I love him dearly. It's no less a form of love than I felt for Nicole initially, than I felt for Jenaya, but it is undeniably DIFFERENT. Joe is as important a part of my life as any of my significant others - and I simply don't swing that way. But there it is. I love him to death and that's all there is to it.
And finally - and most painfully - there is my Uncle. The love of family. My family and I never quite got along when I was younger. I was different than the family, because I would prefer reading over playing sports. While they were going out to clubs, I was playing video games and hanging out with friends who did the same. And so I was not as close with my family as they were with one another. But to Uncle Tommy, none of it mattered. I wouldn't show up to a few parties because of work or previous engagements, but the next time I'd show up, I'd get the same greeting as always. A big hug, warm smile, and firm handshake. And why didn't it matter I didn't get along so great with his sons? Because we were FAMILY. The number of times he pointed out how wonderful the family was are too many to count. His appreciation and love for life and family were beyond measure. And it's a terrible, terrible shame I didn't understand that with him, so I could truly take this man in to my heart the way he deserved.
And I love him so much more since his passing for being an instrumental part in teaching me what I needed to know about love.
The point of all this simply being that now I think I truly understand John Lennon and the Beatles. All you need IS love. That's all there is to it.
I actually have another rant coming soon, and I've got a reminder for it, so expect it within a week or so.
See you 'round, LJ.
Way to be really mature and fuck that whole thing up.
Especially on the day we bury my uncle.
Fuck off, okay?
My heart is so broken.
My uncle is in Cornell with head trauma. He's in a coma and is not going to make it. That's the short version, and I don't yet have the long. When I do, I'll let you know the full story along with a tribute to him.
So things with the lady have been interesting. I think I've managed to keep to my promise of making this a for real adult relationship. We've had our "discussions" and have done, I think, a pretty good job of reaching solutions we can both accept and work with. Truth is, I love this girl and there's nothing either of us can do about that.
In other news, I'm at work and am at once bored and entertained. I'm also getting good use out of my iPhone, as you can all clearly see. While expensive, it was definitely a worthwhile investment. My only regret is that I have yet to truly start paying for it. But that will be resolved soon enough.
So for now, I'm gonna get back to looking busy instead of playing with my phone, and i'll talk to the important folks later.
To keep you entertained, here's a picture I took with my badass new toy. :)
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
So my phone decided to go for a swim in the toilet. This did not make me the happiest camper around, but I will say it made for a terribly amusing day all around.
So you may think I am phoneless. This is not so. I actually am posting from my phone right now. My iPhone, that is.
Yeah, I went and did it. Switched over from verizon and everything. To be honest, I'm just having far too much fun with this damn thing. The keyboard is far easier to use than I thought, and the auto-correct thing makes typing fast that much easier. Not to mention all the fun little apps I can download to male life easier. And more entertaining.
So that little review aside, the only other thing worth noting is just how awesome my girlfriend is. Somewhere between her love for anime and her buying most of this phone for me, I kinds realized I'm dealing with a totally awesome lady. Really, I can't complain about anything. Well, I guess I could, but then so could she. And we don't need that, do we?
Well, I feel good about posting. And since I now have this crazy phone from which to do it from, you might expect a little more updating out of me. Now, I didn't actually promise anything, but I did say it was possible. :)
Met a girl named Melanie, and she's many kinds of awesome.
Also decided to help out at the karate school, and will be doing that again starting mid-October, most likely.
Keeping my fingers crossed for yet more good to come my way. I much prefer this to what has pretty much been the norm for me for the past couple of years.
I'm a lover, not a fighter, but I'll fuck you up - or try to - if you mess with me enough.
I try to be humble, but I'll very proudly flaunt anything I know I'm good at. but still try to be humble about it.
I'm a romantic, but I'll be damned if I don't try to whore it up on an almost regular basis. Most of the time on the down-low. (How's that for a fun fact you didn't know, Kev?)
I talk good about handling situations and really do a good job of convincing myself sometimes, but when push comes to shove, I fuck it up and do stupid things - and fifty percent of the time, it's knowingly.
"Hey kids, suicide isn't the answer," says the horribly depressive guy who, a few short months ago was trying to decide which chemical cocktail would be the least painful way to go.
"Respect the house." A moment or two later, "I've got an open house. Let's fuck there." (Yeah...)
And the funny part about this post is that, actually, I had a good day today. Despite a LOT of shit. And it's only now, as I decide it's time for bed, that I ought to post something. And look at what the fuck comes out.
Man, I don't know.
[02:04:40] Me: If it came to that
[02:04:43] Me: I'd go live in the woods.
[02:04:47] Ant Salvo: hahha
[02:04:50] Ant Salvo: fair enough
[02:04:50] Me: And that is a true story.
[02:04:53] Ant Salvo: in the middle of the country =p
[02:04:59] Me: Fuck that.
[02:05:01] Ant Salvo: hah
[02:05:08] Me: I know Clove Lakes like the back of my hand.
[02:05:11] Me: If I don't wanna be found
[02:05:11] Ant Salvo: haha
[02:05:15] Me: You ain't gonna find me.
[02:05:20] Ant Salvo: I think you'd wildlife for foods
[02:05:27] Ant Salvo: would be ...less than ideal
[02:05:28] Me: I watch Les Stroud
[02:05:31] Ant Salvo: LOL
[02:05:32] Ant Salvo: I give up
[02:05:35] Ant Salvo: can't beat that.
I know this is different for everybody, but I need tips. I don't even know where to begin, and my style has always been to learn some things, then conglomerate my own way out of the myriad of things I've collected.
I need to learn to meditate. I need suggestions and ideas and tips. Walkthroughs of how you do it, the steps you take before and during. Again, I know it's unique to everybody, but this is how I learn. I watch, I observe, I make mental notes, and then I do until I succeed. And since it's impossible to watch somebody's thought processes and internal goings-on, this is the next best thing.
Please, anybody who has any tips on how they meditate - and I mean a for real spiritual experience kind of meditation - please share with me. I'm in dire need.
This is awesome. After one of the worst days of work I've had since I began the job - which started with minimal sleep the previous night - I end up delirious and sleep deprived the following day. And I'm not sure how much sleep I'll be able to get today.
I mentioned at some earlier point that I'd met a rather interesting girl from California. She and I have been staying in touch, and it's been wonderfully entertaining.
More recently - this past week - I've been talking to a girl who I work with, and things look like they could be going pretty well on that front, too.
These connect when I go back to where I initially thought I was going to start from.
After a rather... uneventful night out with Kevin and Leighann, I come home and my phone rings. Teresa is on the other end. We catch up a bit, as we haven't spoken in a couple of weeks, and it was a lot of fun speaking to her again. At some point in the conversation, we begin discussing our friendship, and how wonderfully comfortable and easy it is. In many ways. The fact we can talk about the deepest of things, or the silliest of things with the same intensity and passion. The fact we can talk for hours on end, or NOT talk for hours on end, and it's still the same, still comfortable. The fact that we can sit and cuddle and NOT worry about any sort of sexual tension, or the fact that we can fall asleep together and wake up and not think anything of it. It's an incredible friendship, one which neither of us would trade for anything.
As we discuss it, we are also discussing other relationships, and since we'd touched on sex, I say that, with the friendship she and I have, all I would need would be somebody on the side so I could take care of my sexual desires, and then I'd be quite content with life. She chuckles and goes, "I'm sure we could work something out."
This throws me for a loop. Now, one of my previous posts - the long one about the various types of love - was about Teresa. And I've spent this entire intervening time making sure that I don't do anything to spoil the friendship by getting too weird or strange or horny or any of that. And, I must say, I'm damn proud of myself for how well I've done. Up until now.
At first, I think she's joking. So I carefully respond with, "Hey, be careful how you joke around. I might hold you to that." She says, "I wasn't joking. I'm sure we could work something out down the line." And as if this weren't enough, she then says something about, "Well, I mean, when we're married..."
If anything could stop me dead in my tracks, that's it.
Now, I don't think I need to elaborate very much, but I will explain just a touch to make sure I'm clear on this. I'm very much a romantic. So as much as... Well, I now realize my journal doesn't have all the stories of my life. Some I've kept friends-only in the sense that you actually have to know me as a friend to have heard them. I've had my fair share of guy moments. I've done things I'm not entirely proud of. I've done other things that, given a second chance, I might not necessarily do again. And Teresa is aware of these things. However, I am, in the end, a romantic. And when I find somebody I really, truly care about, that is, in fact, all I need.
So for her to - not really propose, more just sort of state as if it were something I knew, too - say we'd be married in the future... I will admit to a certain amount of excitement.
And yet at the same time, a sense of, "Oh, no.." This one stemming from the fact that I am increasingly aware of the fact that I'm in the adult world now. I work and make money to pay bills. Granted, I don't exactly have mortgage-and-three-kids kind of bills, nor do I really work all that hard, but the point remains, I'm more and more aware that those days are fast approaching. And so for her to so casually mention marriage, I worry that I'm really not at all ready to actually accept that responsibility. The idea is attractive to no end, but the reality is, I am aware, very different.
So now I'm thinking. And I realize, this is not what I ought to be thinking about, especially with this girl at this moment. So the conversation drifts away from that a bit, and then she makes mention again of us being married. Now I'm too curious to let it slide. So I ask where it comes from. And she says something along the lines of, "Well, my clock is ticking" and so on, and, "Who better to marry - even if only common law - than one of your best friends?" And honestly, I can't argue with that at all. If anything, I feel much the same way.
As I discuss this with Jenn later on, though, she brings up the possibility of her falling for me. And the more I think about THAT one, the more I'm not unconvinced of the definite possibility. (Did that make sense? I think I used that right...) And that, too, excites me in ways (emotionally) that I don't think I should be excited in with this particular lady. At least, not right now.
So as it stands now, I am left quite confused and with a few options open; I can talk to Sarah, the girl at work, and see where this goes, if anywhere, or I can wait for Tracy to arrive and see where THAT goes, and there's both more and less of a possibility she and I could end up going somewhere, or I could simply bypass both of them as options and have a serious conversation with Teresa about our mutual wants, needs, desires, and so on.
And to be honest with you, the more I think about it, the more attractive the last option is sounding to me. I even have a vague plan for that as far as setting up for the future.
I dunno. I'll likely have a bit more to say about this come the end of the week, as Teresa and I are due for a night of silliness on Tuesday. We shall see, LJ, we shall see.
However, the first play-through is done entirely with my skill, wit, and intelligence. Such as it were.
I'm angry. And this is the kind of anger I can do nothing about because I put MYSELF here. And where does this anger lead? Depression!
From now on, I take adivce from two people, and two people alone.
A recap for us all.
Beginning of the month: Not too bad. Make a lot of plans, have a few of them shut down before they even really mature, but it's cool. The bigger ones are shaping up. Specifically, the ones regarding my birthday.
Middle of the month: Birthday! Awesome! Except totaly not. Two people show up, and they have so much love and affection coming from me now it's not even funny. Even though I don't think I've spoken to either since then. And since only one of the two actually reads this, thank you very much, Alice. It meant a lot to me that even though I was vehemently telling you to leave me alone over the phone, you came anyway. That simple gesture made the end of a very bad day entirely tolerable, and even a little enjoyable despite myself. (If there's one thing you probably don't know about me, it's that as much as I hate being miserable, when I actually AM miserable, there's pretty much no way I'd rather be. My father calls it locking in, and I do it well.) In addition, since I took off for my birthday, my schedule - which was very regular and predicatble is now anything but, and I'm working all kinds of crazy days now so that any semblance of a routine is entirely non-existant for me. Awesome.
End of the month: Even though it's not over yet, it damn well ought to be. Aside from two nights in a row of absolute awesome - and there is no sarcasm in that sentence at all, it really was two nights that I absolutely enjoyed every moment of - I had a specific something going on that... Well, that I handled very, very poorly. First of all, I was stupid. Second of all, I didn't listen to the two most incredibly perceptive people --- AAH, THREE! I spoke to Daphne, too, who told me the same thing! --- I know, and have ended up paying the price for it. And I've yet to even pay the price from any of them specifically, though one - the only one who reads this, actually - is the one whose... disappointment (to put it mildly, I'm sure) I'm least looking forward to dealing with. I haven't the patience with myself to put down any of the details, nor will I, but so I don't kick myself in the face for this some years down the road when I look back and go, "Now what the hell was I talking about?" I'll leave myself this note: Regrets.
However, just so this post isn't a huge ball of whining emo drivel, I'll explain the two good days. Well, spark notes explain, at any rate.
Thursday: Aside from looking like it was all about to go down the drain, it actually all ended up going very well. I went to Caody's - a local bar - with one of my bestest buds, Teresa, and we were just sitting around talking and drinking and making fun of one another in a very light-hearted way. At some point, Kevin shows up, and we discuss a whole bunch of nothing when some random girl walks up to our table and informs us she will be sitting with us for now. Being the open folks we are, we included her in the circle. One two skip a few, she's Tracy, a gemini (this being of note because both Teresa and myself are Gemini and damn proud of it) from Oakland, California who is visiting her mother who lives on Staten Island. The night progresses, Kevin leaves, Teresa wanders a bit, and Tracy and I are involved in conversation until last call. Teresa departs, and I walk Tracy and her mother home. At some point in the walk, Tracy says out loud, "Maybe you could stay over..." and I merely smile. It would have been a little awkward in the morning, especially since I had work the next day. At any rate, we exhchanged numbers, and I look forward to being her first New York friend for when she moves to Brooklyn.
Friday: I get out of work and go to the Hookah bar where Kevin, Joey, Leighann, and Gretchen are. After a funny conversation about the previous night, and another, slightly more embarrassing one where Leighann questioned if having sex with me would get her an answer, The five of us went to Kevin's house where we drank on the roof and had fascinating conversation about religion, spirituality, inter-personal relationships, language, science, philosophy, and more. I also had a very pleasant moment with Gretchen where she and I both agreed, "Y'know what, we're pretty good friends." Of course, interspersed in it all was a lot of witty banter, which is always fun.
So yeah. That's my update for June. Chances are good I'm going to be hiding from life for a day or two and only talking to three or four people for a little while.
So yeah. Later, internet.
Life is good right now, despite the usual vague loneliness/depression. Perhaps even because of it. I can't tell. (For the record, as I correct my fourth typo, I'm going to being ignoring some.most of them so I can simply get my thoughts out before I forget, so this post is likely to be littered with mis-spellings and grammatical errors.)
I started my day rather late - even for me - as I spent the night.morning previous drinking and talking with my father, which has become something of the norm for us. We discussed many things, including but not limited to life in general, politics, love, relationships, and just about everything in between.
I woke up and called Alex, whom I have been getting along with absolutely incredible these days in a best friends way, though it goes even beyond that. I LOVE this girl in such a way that I cannot explain, and it isn't even a romantic way. We talked our usual geek talk, and then I logged on WoW to hang out with her in the only way we can manage across 3,000 miles.
It's shortly after this that I get a text from Kevin - who has been going through his own things that I won't discuss here - and he asked if I was available. I decided to hang out with him, as I feel hes needed it for the entire week, but was somewhat unwilling to admit his need. (I realize as I type this, that it's more of an update of the day, but I'll get to the rest of it shortly.) We went to the hookah bar and had a three hour discussion about his goings-on these days, and then went to the cargo cafe. Along the way, we picked up Joey - who is surprisingly back from Chicago - and hung out there for a few drinks. After an hour or two, Kevin was forced to admit he had to go to bed for work in the morning, and Joey and I came to my back yard to have a few drinks and continue the philosophical/theological discussion we were having.
And this is where I get to the meat of the post.
The discussion was largely based on various eastern 'religions.' I put it in quotes, because some of these... theologies... can be applied to most any religion and not be a deviation from said religion. What with meditation and ideologies, they are fairly common amongst the three major religions prominent today, and can be practiced by anybody without fear of going agains t the tenets of their religion.
The conversation went from belief - or lack thereof in some cases - in various deities, and how such beliefs effect a person, and more specifically, ourselves, to a detailed discussion of where we acquired these ideas, to simply what ideas are. On that note, Joey gave me a name of a... Philosopher, I suppose one could call him, and played some of his videos for me to give me an idea of where he was coming from. And it was fascinating, as the ideas this man - whose name escapes me - do not differ much at all from the conclusions I have reached on my own through various means.
Where this applies to life in general, it seems the theme of these past two or so months, and likely earlier than that, even, has been finding oneself.
This is a great challenge - great used in the sense of immense, large, impressive - as even though nobody knows you better than you do, if you really think about it, you may know how you are, but in many cases, you cannot fathom WHY you are that way, often and especially in the more negative sense of things.
As the evening wound down, I was filled with a wonderful sense of love and appreciation for life. I am not, by my own nature, a person prone to such outbursts of emotion. Rather the opposite, actually. I am more prone to outbursts of negative emotion, bouts of anger and depression.
It occurs to me that over this past year, I have grown in many ways. I am more an adult now than I ever was, and yet I am also aware in a moment of clarity, that I am still not so different than I was. I'm still the same scared, lonely boy I have been for many years, I'm simply wiser and more accepting of my situation as it is.
To rewind a bit, a quick summation of what I've done is thus:
After my breakup with Rita, I was moe depressed than I was willing to admit, even to myself. I liked her a fair bit, and to have that end was more depressing than I expected it to be. Shortly after that was my enounter with Jenaya. Jenaya is somebody I love(d?) more deeply in the romantic sense than I can possibly begin to explain. We had our very brief moment, and it destroyed me about as much as my breakup with Nicole did. And the amount of time Jenaya and I spent together was a bare fraction of what Nicole and I spent together.
I spent some time on my own, sorting things out for myself, when along came Deirdre. For those who don't know, Deirdre is one of the moms from the Karate school. This was my most interesting relationship, as it was one of mutual LIKE, and nothing more. We did our thing, and somewhere in the middle of that, along came Teresa.
I immediately liked her a LOT. We spent a lot of time together in a relatively small span of days, and I admitted my feelings. And nothing happened there along romantic lines. Which I'm still admittedly a little on the fence about. But she has proven herself to be - and is continuing to do so - an extremely valued friend, and a most excellent best friend. In a very small time span.
Where I am currently appreciating her MOST is in her incredible sense of empathy. She pinpointed to the DAY the moment where I was at my most recent worst. Which is only two or three entries ago for me. And she doesn't read my LJ. At least, I don't think she does.
What impresses me more, though, is that she was able to tell me that somebody she only met once or twice was in a place as bad as I was, and she nailed THAT one to the day as well. She is perceptive in a way I have never encountered before, and is a very strong person, but is also in need of help herself.
She is another one whom I love very deeply, and have no problem telling her so. The problem I run in to is expressing that love, as I'm not a very outwardly... cuddly person. I tend to give off a bit more of a stand-offish vibe, I think, when it comes to physical affection of any sort. Thus, I am not good at expressing my love for somebody when it is innocent. Especially so, since I almost never use the word 'love' in any sense but the romantic. And even then, I try to be conservative about it.
This evening, though, as I sat down to write this entry, I was filled with a very powerful sense of love. And it was entirely internal. A sense of love for life and people, for the very moment I had just experienced. And at the same time, there was a deep sadness. When I attempt to analyze it, it's two-fold. The more prominent sense of it was that I had nobody to share it with, nobody whom I could sit and hold and try to explain to.
The other part of it, though, was likely a sadness that the feeling was so fleeting, so quick to come and go. Something like a last kiss - when you know that's what it is. It feels wonderful and you savor every single moment of it, yet you cannot help but be sad knowing that you will likely not feel it again.
Now, I'm not saying I've given up on that feeling. Rather, I aim to act on it. I aim to become far more spiritual. No, not religious. I am going to meditate more. I'm going to re-start Tai Chi, only this time a bit closer to home, and a lot more seriously. I'm going to seek to remove that which is negative from my life, or turn those negatives in to positives.
Kevin often describes the summer as the end of the year. The fall as the new year. And many agree with him, as do I. This coming year, starting now, at the end of it, I am going to take steps to ensure my life is a good one. Granted, you cannot remove all negative from your life, as there will always be negative in the world whith will find it's way in to your life. But I think if life is on a continuous climb to some form of nirvana, coming closer all the time, then the negatives will be easier to take, deal with, and dismiss.
To that end, I am going to use my birthday to do my best to make my own final, internal peace with a few situations which still bother me. I'm going to seek that which I need for SURVIVAL, and make that come as a given so that I can then focus on my happiness. I am going to seek a job that pays me well, and yet is one which I enjoy doing. No, school is not currently part of that plan, but as the saying goes, never say never.
So in all, I think this year, despite a pretty rocky start this past fall, has been a very good, progressive year.